i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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