the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
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