I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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