this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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