His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
