my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
