Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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