What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
