Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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