There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
