ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
