Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
