we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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