I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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