well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
