We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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