Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
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