I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Never underestimate the power of titties
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
