Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
