Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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