Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
