Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
