My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
