All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
