Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
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Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
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His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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