i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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