I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Randomize
