You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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