Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
