I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
They should really pass out barf bags in church
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Randomize
