Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Randomize
