I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
