Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
