sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize