remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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