all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
