this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
You took a bar mat shot.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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