remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
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Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
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