Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
