Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
