i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
