Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
cat food counts as protein by the way
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
