Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
