I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
It's shark week go big or go home
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
