I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
