The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize