I have demons in me.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Randomize
