I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
