i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
