I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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