He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I'm passing your future prison.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
And my parents said I crawled through the house
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
