you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
