whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Randomize
