I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
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