i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
