I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
