woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
