Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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